Happy New Year.
I seldom make New Year’s resolutions anymore (no more than once a year!) but this year I made one and I’m determined to follow through. It’s to stop being so nice to people.
If you’ve ever met me, you probably did not realize that this is a problem that I have, but that just shows how wonderful and thoughtful I’d been in hiding my natural niceness so as not to worry you.
But no more.
I made the resolution because I realized that I’m a misanthrope masquerading as a… non-misanthrope, and what’s the good in that. Also, I was talking to the Guy I Went to Ireland with and he said something totally insane and offensive that made me question life and his sanity. He was telling me how he was on the subway and started talking to someone and when I gave him an “ARE YOU INSANE?” look because I don’t understand why anyone with anything resembling sanity would voluntarily speak to another person without a subpoena or a substantial bribe, he sort of shrugged and said “I find people really interesting.”
I implore you, before you fall in love with someone, have them checked out for insanity markers, like voting for Trump or “finding people interesting.” Because once you’re in love, it’s sort of too late and then you’re stuck with a freak show who find “people really interesting.”
I have no idea what he finds interesting about them, and I’m not interested enough to find out.
But I do notice that at parties, he’s always talking to people while I’m always making sure my mouth is appetizers-enriched as an anti-talking aide. And on the subway or any other place where I may be alone, I always have a book and a DO NOT TALK TO ME sign pinned to my shirt.
So this year I decided to make it official.
“I decided to be less nice to people that I don’t really like,” I announced. To a room of one because apparently not a lot of people really like me either.
“That makes sense,” the one person said. “Like who?”
And then I spent the next three days trying to figure out who I was going to be less nice to. Unfortunately, I couldn’t come up with anyone, but that’s how they get you to break your New Year’s resolution.
Finally I solved the riddle and decided to go out and make some new friends and then I will cut them loose and not be nice to them. Good thing I thought this through.
